Shaggy-Dog-Story on Unnamed Website

Calumny

Anthony Wang — Sat, 20 Jan 2024 13:25:05 -0500

Oh, joy! Another sequel? Maybe we’ll actually learn Ben Qi’s secret this time. Now, enter Calumny, the slander-loving sister of Ennui and Miasma with a personality thinner than a tabloid. How utterly charming.

Ben’s viral meltdown was literally a magnet to Calumny, and she quickly devoted herself towards discovering Ben’s secret. Forget about personal boundaries. Just imagine the mouthwatering gossip potential!

Anyways, Calumny’s first genius plan was to organize a fake IOI consisting of only the A Plus B problem and join the exclusive club of IOI winners. Unfortunately, the contest attracted the attention of Ben too, who swooped in, smashed his keyboard, and cleared all the test cases faster than Calumny could open her IDE. Ben might have lost half of his brain cells, but his fingers were still perfectly intact. Oh well, no IOI gold medal for you, better luck next time!

Miasma

Anthony Wang — Sat, 20 Jan 2024 00:36:47 -0500

Winning the IOI only requires a dash of creativity and problem solving. Baking the world’s largest Oreo and shattering the Guinness World Record on the other hand, requires perseverance, humiliation, wait no, I meant humility, and filling out a lot of government paperwork so that the FBI doesn’t come knocking on your door asking if you’re scheming to use your two thousand pounds of baking soda to build a life-sized volcano to terrorize people with a really impressive science fair project.

Maseeh

Anthony Wang — Tue, 16 Jan 2024 21:03:11 -0500

Once upon a time, there were three naive MIT freshman named Kanthony, Eter, and Pevin. One ordinary Tuesday, they walked into the Maseeh dining hall for lunch. There inside, they saw three lines: one line for detergent rice, which tastes like detergent and everyone who gets it immediately vomits and throws the rest of their rice away so Maseeh collects all the thrown away rice and washes it and serves it next week, one line for pizzas with grease painted on top with a paintbrush, and one line for pure helonium acid, which consists of hydrogen bonded to helium so that this molecule instantly donates a proton giving it a pH of around -50. After a taste of the vile food, the three freshmen were instantly thrown into shock and rushed to the emergency room. Scarred by their horrifying experience, they vowed to never vist Maseeh again.

Ennui

Anthony Wang — Fri, 10 Mar 2023 03:09:25 +0000

Oh, great. Another doe-eyed rebellious anime girl to add to the endless parade of generics that litter the media landscape. Ennui, huh? Well, isn’t that just perfect.

Ennui had a seething hatred for modern society, because honestly, who doesn’t? She despised the endless monotonicity, er, I meant monotony, of her life and the only emotion she could feel nowadays was boredom. Endless, dull, tedious boredom!

One day, Ennui had the brilliant idea of running away from home and going for a joyride on the Trans-Siberian Railway. Because, you know, nothing screams excitement quite like sitting in a cramped, musty train for days on end.